Crazy ChristmasI decided to make my sister's Christmas present right around, well, Christmas. So in the midst of an already busy time of year I frenetically found myself crocheting a purse. A cute purse. One I am proud of. But the couch where I spent all of the Saturday and Sunday before Christmas still hasn't recovered. Is this the reason I haven't posted? No, it just provides some background.
100At about this time, I become intensely aware of the number of posts I have composed since beginning. A pitifully small number for the amount of time I have been a blogger if I can even call myself that. But the counter at the time said 95. Only five away from 100.
Was it my own sentimentality or the blogosphere's peer pressure that demanded a celebration at 100? And really can a blogosphere really pressure me into anything? Knowing my lack of sentiment it had to be that voice living in my head that says if another woman did it surely I must as well.
You know the comparison game, if Sally had a big bash for 30 of her toddler's closest friends. I would be an inferior mother if I didn't do the same for my toddler. That kind of pressure. Really how would I know how to behave if it weren't for other women to compare myself to? And the awful fear that I will always be inferior?
So with an unreasoning need to find some way to celebrate 100 posts and Christmas looming with an incomplete gift, I may have slacked off. Or I just decided to decide on a 100 post celebration later and in order to put off the decision I had to stop posting.
Christmas ended with an incredible amount of post material and even more pictures. Posts about what the season was like for us in this new place. Abigail's advent excitement and her prayers thanking Jesus for coming. The wonderful insanity of spending Christmas day in four different houses.
But I still had not decided on a 100 post celebration and I became totally immersed in another crochet project that needed finished by my brother-in-law's wedding on the 12th of January. So I continued to decide not to decide. And of course not posting was integral to my plan.
Still more post material. Shopping the day after Christmas. Sending in the first of our adoption paperwork. Snow days and sled riding. Abigail cuteness and crocheting madness.
But I still had not decided on a 100 post celebration (see I am crazy) and I started thinking about this child who will be coming into our home through adoption. Will he or she have enough belonging issues without having a mother whose blog is titled after not only the first child but the biological child? Perhaps that will not look good to birth mothers considering families for their children? Maybe having a blog will mean we will never be chosen!
Maybe I need to change my blog to something less Abigail and more inclusive of the others in the family even though there is far more me in everything here than Abigail. And what does that say to her? You were important, however now it is more important that we acquire a brother or sister for you. What kind of belonging issues will that give her? And do I really want to start over? Though that may solve my 100 post celebration issues. What will happen to all of this material? Isn't there a way to add tabs at the top to feature each of us?
Today. No posts for weeks with too much to say now. How late into the New Year can one post about Christmas anyway? And now I feel guilty. I have let down my readership! How will you ever forgive me? Will you ever come back? What if you are gone for good and my blog is forever rejected? (An argument for a new blog anyway.) How will I live with myself in your disappointment and rejection? Oh and what am I going to do in two posts when I hit 100? And if my posting inconsistency isn't enough to drive you away what will you do when you read this and find that I really am not all together?
A decision has to be made. . .
Here I will stay. Confessing my incredible insecurity and weakness and unreasoning fear of your judgment. I had to write it all out. Tell you all about it. Somehow insecurity and fear lose their power over me when I share them with others especially those my insecurity and fear most effect. (Poor Chris hears about them daily.)
I hope you continue to visit. I do want to share our Christmas with you all the more precious with a two year old involved. My brother-in-law's wedding was incredible and sometime I want to sit and find the words to share the impact it had on me. Taking Abigail to my parent's farm to sled ride was an adventure worth giving words to. The struggle to become good at a hobby, not a struggle I have ever before been willing to endure, and the joy at creating a piece of clothing from string using a hook leaves me bursting with the desire to share what I've learned. And this journey in and through adoption needs to be shared and saved with whoever God has for us, even if it is on a blog named for Abigail.