Thursday, April 26, 2007

How Much Trust

I feel so overwhelmed sitting here before a blank screen. What do I have to say that is worth another's time in reading. Everything seems such a jumble in my heart and I can't find the words to make what I am feeling go away or even seem manageable.
As Abigail is eating her breakfast and playing in her milk (I am trying a cup without a lid. I read somewhere that sippy cups cause dental problems. So I thought I should start letting her get her liquids without the luxury of a sippy cup. Looking back, I was wrong. Give me a lid any day!), I am thinking about more children in our family. Those of you close to us know having that children coming from my womb is quite nearly impossible. Abigail is one of four pregnancies.
We have decided to adopt, and I am so excited! But I feel so thwarted. Initially we thought about adopting from foster care, but I felt like that door was closed when I was told becoming foster parents is our best bet as most children are adopted by their foster families or by relatives. Fostering feels so much like a miscarriage. And my heart is so scared of losing more children.
Then we looked at international adoption and found Haiti and lots of darling children. And I started to get excited. Actually, I became obsessed. Emailing a contact at an orphanage, getting involved with a couple Yahoo! Groups, and reading a very informative book, reading blogs. I thought this could happen quickly. We could get the US paperwork done by our birthdays and send it in right after that and have a child within months. But I've learned that having another child within months doesn't mean he or she will be with us. Apparently the passport/visa business can take a looong time. And we have counted the cost, literally, and I feel like it is going to take us forever to get the finances needed to adopt, even if we don't use an agency.
I am so discouraged. I keep saying that if this is God's plan for us he will provide all the resources we need to make it happen. Notice the way I leave out "in His time." And "in His way." And I realize that I don't trust God's heart toward my dreams. Knowing again that we will have to wait, this frenzy of activity on my part will not net a child at the end a some indeterminate number of months, feels again like a miscarriage. And my heart goes back to that place of grief, and pain, and fear, and mistrust. That place where I feel about God things that are out of His character and categorically untrue. That place where I feel about myself things that are untrue. I am not convinced so categorically untrue: I would be a bad mom, I'm not important enough to warrant action on the part of my dreams. It is easier for me to believe negative things about myself than to just walk through the feelings in grace, trusting that God is who He says He is even when I feel differently. I prefer to believe that I am unworthy of His notice, care and provision, than to consider or walk with Him through the times when I feel like He is a bully, inflicting pain just because He can. Again, I know this isn't true, but I feel at times that it is.
Chris said, last night, that perhaps God is preparing me for another child . I hate when he can do that, speak truth when I don't want to hear it. I hate thinking that I am not ready for another child. And I hate not knowing how long the preparation process will take. Why do I have to get ready? I can give a list if I want to self-evaluate (I don't). Perhaps in a later post.
On a lighter note, Abigail finished breakfast and as I was picking milky oatmeal from her hair and wiping puddles of milk off the floor, I decided that sippy cups are a very good thing and we will continue using them for an indeterminate amount of time.

1 comment:

  1. Sarah, I not quite sure what to say. I will be praying for you though. Your thoughts make me think of Joseph as he must have struggled when unjustly imprisoned and he too waited on God's perfect timing of things. It's a tough spot to be in for sure. Seek Him in all you do and think. Maybe memorizing Phil. 4:8 will help? It has helped me when it came to taking thoughts captive. (Phil 4:6 is a good one for the other things on your heart as well). Love you, and I look forward to seeing you next month!