Wednesday, March 26, 2008


It is a beautiful day here in Uniontown. The sky is spring blue. The sun is bright. The air both warm and chilly, just right for the end of March.

But me, I am confronted with my own ugliness. Not outwardly, but inward ugliness. The fear and hatred (Yes, I used that word. I tried to find a more fitting for a believer word, but there wasn't one. And if I'm talking about my ugliness, I should be accurate.) stalk me today. Coloring everything in shades of dirty. Taking what is beautiful and yucking it up.

Chris is always up for a good conspiracy. YouTube is a wealth of good conspiracy. And if a conspiracy is to be deemed "good" there must be some truth to grasp. So this is what transpires on many a work day.
Sensus plays bad music.
Chris listens to YouTube while completing an engineering problem.
He comes home and tells me all he has heard on YouTube.
Sometimes he shares the better bits. I have listened to lectures on aliens. I have heard about the World Wars. I have laughed at the better pieces of humor.

Most recently, he has been listening to conspiracy. Global control of the US type stuff. The merging of the three North American States into one entity--goodbye Canada, Mexico, and US. All well and good. I don't mind listening to him. I actually like to hear about what he is learning. It is all very interesting.

But, if a conspiracy is to be deemed "good" there must be some truth to grasp, and there is. And if I read closely the Scriptures sometimes the conspiracy seems downright prophetic. Perhaps it is. Perhaps we are closer to the end than we all think. I know today we are closer than we were yesterday, but that just makes sense. I am not up for arguing all the opposing theories of the one world order and such. Typically I can just enjoy the conspiracy and go on, but with these latest bits of information, I am struggling.

Here is where I get hung up. I have been given this beautiful little girl who tries to sing Amazing Grace with me so she doesn't fall asleep, and I want to know she will be able to avoid the messy stuff at the end. I want to know I will be able to avoid the messy stuff at the end. I have semi-conscious dreams of the end times. I walk around with this sick feeling in my heart and in my gut wondering if we are as close as some of these theorists think, worrying about my family and friends desperate to know I will see them again.

Faith and courage seem in short supply today. Faith to trust that God is indeed who He says He is and that God will do what He says He will do. Faith to trust that when I don't understand what God is saying that His heart toward me is for my good. And courage to look at the future knowing that God is sovereign. Courage to know that whatever may come, His promises will stand. Faith that the courage will be given when needed and not till needed.

I stand with the desperate father, today, "Lord, I do believe. Help my unbelief!" I stand with a heart willing to believe but finding itself in a place of fear and doubt. And not so much doubt for that is a word too strong, but an emptiness of faith. Not the opposite, but the absence.

With the father, today, "Lord, I do believe. Help my unbelief!"

1 comment:

  1. And the beauty in that is your ability to tell it like it is...and that in the asking, there will be an answer. Hang in there.