Today I was fretting. I had said something harsh to my friend via the internet and had to apologize and I was anxious to do something for her. I felt discouraged in my efforts to become involved in the neighborhood and was wondering if the boundaries we set for the kids of the area were unwise. I was wondering what my place in this new church was supposed to be. And I was concerned about my blogging, but more from a "Why do other people have more visitors than me?" way than "Is this how I should be spending my time?" way.
By the time I was able to get with the Lord, I was frazzled. My petitions for said friend (who by this time I had apologized to, been emailed from, and left a message for) were "Dear God, M." I tried a nap only to have "You're such a loser." run through my thoughts. I still can't tell if it was a message from my brain to my heart or my heart to my spirit, but that is of little consequence. The suggestion is laughable, not that I am all that great, but that God would create and save such a thing as a loser. More a statement of His providence, grace and love than my attributes.
Anyway, I get distracted. So I was able to pray and sit on the porch and journal. Left with a list of Things I Could Do to Be Involved in the World I could only pray some more for leading and for wisdom and for passion.
And again as I write this I condemn myself. Do you see it? "I could only pray." As if communing with the Creator of the Universe, petitioning He who created me direction and He who loves each of us for the lives of my friends, neighbors and families is an only. No, today those prayers were the task He had set for me. His very purpose.
Do I know if He would do whatever He was going to anyway? Does it matter? Prayer is an invitation not only to develop intimacy with the Almighty, but to join with Him to impact the lives of His dearly loved. Prayer reminds me that I am not God but that I am loved and valued by God. It is a powerful force not to undermined with onlys or any other word used to mean, "Well, I've done everything I could I guess I better pray."
Today in His goodness, God showed me that prayer even when it can only be expressed in "Dear God"s is a mighty weapon and a divine call to battle. After my quiet time, I had two emails. One from my dear friend whose questions and concerns weighing so heavily were lifted and answered throughout the day. The other email from a different friend encouraging me in a way only my God knew I needed encouraged.
Oh may I not forget this lesson. May I use this time of inactivity, for great spiritual war.