I don't like fear. Usually I force myself to do that which is scaring me and get it over with. But this work is heart work. My real fear. The I-can't-just-push-past-it, deal with it like a bandage fear. The kind that has me finding excuses to not move. The kind that paralyzes.
But as I said He is working. Speaking through His Word. And while I don't like it, I can't seem to give up those morning hours waiting to see what He'll say next.
I've been reading in the Psalms; it seems the perfect place to be wooed and encouraged and to argue with Him. His patience and love are so entwined with His righteousness, holiness, and power I can't help but be safe in my fear and find courage in the midst.
I read Psalm 34:8. And I smile remembering the mug I got at a Campus Crusade Retreat 15 years ago:
O, Taste and see that the Lord is good.I like that verse. The experience of all His goodness. The encouragement to come to Him to know He is good.
Then I stopped smiling. The second half of the verse didn't sit well with this reluctant heart.It isn't on my mug.
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!Refuge. Why, refuge is necessary in times of trouble and war and suffering. Like Helm's Deep in the Lord of the Rings. The place I run to when things aren't going well.
So to really taste and see that He is good, to receive that kind of blessing, I must come to Him as a refuge. Things in my life must get sticky, and unpleasant, and I might just get injured!
No I don't like that one bit.
But it is what it says. Taking refuge in Him will allow me to taste and see that the Lord is good and that is a great blessing. As in how blessed will I be.
So I come to the two paths. One safe and inviting and comfortable. One ordained and risky and a war path.
Which will I take?
Fear I don't like, but Him, I love. So knowing that with the risk comes the refuge and with the refuge the knowing,and with the knowing blessing, I will set out.