Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Next Thing

He picks every day. The same book heralding nap-time--his choice for better than a week now.

Choco was a little bird who lived all alone. He wished he had a mother, but who could his mother be? "Just right for the preschool group or beginning reader."--Kirkus Reviews, pointer review. "Young listeners will be charmed by the book's humor, warmth, and surprise ending."--Horn Book. Full color. Age 3-6.

That is the book description from Amazon. Surprise ending indeed. It is such an appropriate book at this stage of our lives. I love that he picks it and we talk . . . 
  about what it must feel like to not have a mother,
  about what it feels like to be rejected,
  about what it feels like to have a family, 
  about what a family is.
And in some small way, I think Choco is helping to prepare our littlest for the great big changes coming. Great big changes, I don't have the words to prepare him with (and we all know I have many words).

Today, I walked over the washed out mulch littering the path, our path, from the front door to the mailbox. There was a big packet, heavy with a butterfly clamp. Bethany Christian Services stamped in the return address position. It cost $4.90 to mail the package from Pittsburgh. Our paperwork has arrived. How grateful am I that in my first-trimester-tossing-out, I didn't so assume to know God's plan that I threw all those copies away. I know the process--get our free credit report for all possible addresses for the past 10 years, request our social security reports for our income histories, but having some of the leg work done will help. My dear paperwork-queasy husband is looking most forward to this (smile).

The feelings resurface--am I adequate to this task (after all, I daily and tremendously simply fail these two little ones who live here), will they accept us (memories of wondering five-times-over why others granted us for womb-only life aren't running about)? I worry of choices we've made--immunizations (yep, we follow our own immunization schedule, not shunning the medications entirely but taking our time with them), this house we have chosen and lived in and made our own, the way we occasionally employ corporal punishment (knowing that will not fly with one separated from those who've given birth, nor should it), and our decision to home-educate our children. 

Our case worker doesn't think any of these things will be reason to disqualify us as long as we agree to abide by the rules of the state until the child is ours as recognized by said state. But our different-ness looms large in my mind while we fill out papers and I find so many reasons for concern and worry.

And he continues to pick Choco. And they continue to be delighted by Choco. And I am encouraged that we are the family for a lonely child, or two. And I am encouraged to know that Someone knows the plan and the path, and that though I may only have a lamp I know the Light.

And to the one, or two, who are coming to us, I want you so very much. We want you so much!

1 comment:

  1. Yes! We ALL want you so very much! And cannot wait to love you as we love all of our Jonses. =)