Thursday, April 19, 2012

To Tell the Truth

to myself mostly. To make it real, I write.

It has been a while since I've been here. I was doing so well visiting often. I had scheduled a time to write daily, divided into portions of work. I liked and still like my time budget. But I just couldn't find the time or the way to visit here. Not since all the kind words about adopting we had received after our first class.

The second set of classes left me feeling like hanging it all up. I told myself not to worry, compared it all to the what-have-I-done thoughts when hanging over a public toilet during the first trimester. We left confused and wondering where all of our new information left us.

The third set of classes were better. But we left confused with the process more than the prospect of raising these children who would come to us.

And honestly, I've stayed confused and more than a little non-plussed about the whole thing. The paperwork we wanted finished when we finished the classes remains divided into neat little sections. The drive and passion gone. I listen carefully to people who know us well when we talk of adoption. There is relief when someone says they are concerned that we are headed down the wrong path; I want to believe them.

I wonder, yesterday marking the due date of our baby lost in October, if maybe we rushed into this process. Maybe we heard God incorrectly. Maybe I so wanted to escape that pain with adventure that I heard what wasn't there.

All of those things are true. But while I was trying to escape, Chris wasn't. He didn't think this a good idea. He saw and heard the spots where we felt led. He stood his ground till he knew this was the direction. Oh, yes, he has railed (as I have done) at the system and the hoops and the paperwork, but where I've questioned and wondered and wanted to stop, he is sure and he wants to continue.

Today, when I'm ready to see and rejoice over babies (let's get a move on niece of mine), when the tears come easily as I miss my baby, and the utter joy comes easily as I hold these two here, I find the call the same, but the passion gone. I remember reading about a couple who said that their adoption journey took so long it became more about obedience than about fulfilling their heart's desires. I didn't understand when I read that, but now I think I do.

Tonight I'll pull those papers out of the desk and with Frasier as my company begin telling people all about us. I want to add to our family. Another child will indeed be a blessing. But right now it is about obeying the God who calls us to be like Him.

There you have it. The reason I haven't shared words. My passion and excitement have waned and I am fearful of the truth of it and I am ashamed that adding to our family is right now less about dreams and hopes and more about obedience.

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