Psalms

Yesterday, I was struck by the instructions in Psalms-more than poems.

• Sing for joy
• Shout joyfully to him with psalms.
• Come before Him with thanksgiving.
• Worship and bow down.
• Kneel before the Lord our Maker.
• Sing to the Lord.
• Bless His name.
• Proclaim good tidings of His salvation.
• Tell of His glory.
• Worship the Lord.
• Tremble before Him.

So I thought I had a plan to make it through the day without gritting my teeth--let thanksgiving and praise bring joy to the waiting for new baby and the mothering of a vivacious talkative three-year-old.

Count your blessings. I tried when I felt the joy leaving me to count the blessings, to number them silently, in my head around the chatter and the thoughts wondering about impending labor. It didn't work. Just added more clutter to my mind.

Today I read the Psalms again.

• The Lord reigns (even over my fluctuating hormones.)
• Be glad in the Lord.
• Give thanks to His holy name.

I question.

• Is silent praise really praise at all?
• Must praise engage both mind and body to transform heart?

The Word seems to indicate that for praise to change my heart from clinging to God in desperation to walking with Him in joy my mouth must engage in the praise. So today I will shout to the Lord, sing a new song, and perhaps invite the chattering to joy in the song.

Coming

Dear Abigail,

Soon you will be a big sister. Not that you already aren't, but a big sister in the another person living in our family but outside my body.

You have been so excited waiting with us for so long for a brother or sister. You have wondered and hoped and loved so completely already for this little addition to our family. You have been disappointed, too.

Planning for a sister, determined that this one growing within me was a girl, you cried at the ultrasound when told we were gaining a brother. Now you plan for him. You wait for him nearly as impatiently as I wait for a return to normal body, mind, hormones.

We have come within days of meeting him. Tomorrow the doctor and I will pick the latest date. You are waiting for the hospital and for the homecoming. You have picked his coming home outfit, a good choice.

I remember when you came. I thought I knew what was going to happen. I had planned and hoped for you, picked out clothes, hoped for a imminent delivery so I could meet this new person. But I was unprepared-the time you consumed, your utter dependence, my ineptness and my desire to do everything perfectly.

You too are unprepared. In your excitement and your hopes, you don't realize the attention that will be diverted from you to him, his very helplessness demanding that you wait, the time he will take, and the craziness he has the potential to create in your mother. My darling, daughter, you are unprepared. I, too, am unprepared knowing these things only in theory.

And that is as it should be. We love him so much, we wait with such anticipation, we long to meet him, because we know not his level of need. And when he does arrive and we are met with the things unprepared for, we are prepared with the love sown in hope for this new life designed by God for our family. We will walk through those early days, finding our way, making a new normal in the grace of the One who has placed us together as family.

Today I want you to know how very much I love you. Nothing that will happen in the next few days, weeks, or months will change my love for you.

You are my daughter. You are a gift from God.

I love you.

Heard at Bedtime

Bedtime is the best of times and the worst of times. The best because of the funny and sweet things uttered by a child who finds sleep less a necessity and more a form of torture. The worst because said child can talk and is willing to talk all night long. Ignoring it is one strategy and we employ it often, but sometimes she ups the talking to yelling and then to crying. Once she even resorted to self injury.

I have to keep these for posterity and her children so I thought I would share with the larger world. Abigail's words are black, mine are green, and Chris's are blue.

Before bed

1
I'm fankful for that!
We can both be thankful for the same thing. It's ok.

2
No, it's my turn to pray.
OK it's Abigail's turn.
I don't want to pray. Daddy, you pray.

3
Dear God, Fank-you for our fankfuls and stuff.

4
Oh, how Abby loves her daddy,
How Abby loves her stinky dad.
(to the tune of Jesus Loves the Little Children)

Stalling

5
Where's my water bottle.
In your bed.
No, I don't think so.
Abigail look beside your pillow.
What pillow?
This pillow.
Oh, Mommy you found my water bottle. Thank you.

6
Ohhhhh, I forgot my dolls in the wiving woom. Can I go get them weal quick?

Simple Questions

7
Mommmmyyyyy, will you come in to see me before you go to bed?
Yes.
Daddy to.
Yes.
Abigail we always come in. Go to sleep.

Desperation

8
My eye hurts.
Why?
I poked it.
With what?
My finger.

9
I have a splinter.
Did you see this cut when you gave her a bath?
What cut?
How did you cut your hand?
With a fork.
What fork?
The one at Scotts.

10
Close your eyes.
I can't.
Why can you close your eyes?
If I cwose my eyes, I will go to sleep.

11
You have a good night too.

12
I wuv you.

Dad and Mom after a long night

13
Those are your genes.
Yes, yes they are.

Smell of Spring

Dear God,

You are so creative. I love that you made a season like spring. The flowers are wonderful. The sunny days are energizing. The greening grass is encouraging. The warmth melts the gloom of winter.

And to top off all the glorious things that happen in spring, You gave me Abigail. She delights in playing outside. In her sandbox. Running through the yard to slam into the fence. Pushing any number of wheeled toys around. Playing in the rotting leaves that never made it to the compost pile. Soaking up the smell of spring.

Her hair saves it for me. Thank you that I have the privilege of sitting before bed with a girl whose hair smells of little girl and spring.

Love,
Sarah

Sporadic

Here I thought I would be more consistent. Alas, it was not to be.

The sun is out today. The weather is warm. We went to the park with some friends. Abigail is still napping. How fun to think that park weather may be back for good (or at least the next few months.)

I always have such a difficult time knowing how to spend this time.

• blogging, emailing, catching up with the news, computer stuff
• cleaning, picking, up, chores
  
• laundry folding, tv viewing
• dog training
• et cetera
  

No matter what I choose, I always seem to feel guilty when Abigail wakes up. Part of the bad mother guilt, I fight with daily.

Lord,
You are the God of all time. You know every moment I have and You know how I spend them. Forgive me for the ways I fall short of Your time management design for me. Teach me to use the time You've given me in ways that glorify You and that serve my family. Let me then live in Your truth apart from the lie that everything must be done perfectly and that everyone must be happy with my performance. I don't want to fall into the performance trap believing that I am a bad mother, a mediocre wife, and a poor believer. I want to enjoy the time You have given me.

Fearing Him

God blesses us,
That the ends of the earth may fear Him.
Psalm 67:7

Lord,

Let me sing of the blessings you shower me with that you may receive glory and your renown will spread to the ends of the earth.
Let me see your mercies in the midst of the struggles I find myself, struggles often small and often so very temporary they last merely a moment.

Amen

Returned

Laptop

a short acquaintance
a brief absence
direly missed

returned from service
nothing amiss
technicians diagnosed
my own craziness

today no volume
just as before
you are confused

dare I call again
under warranty
local fixers will charge
but fix without parting

do I listen enough?
perhaps quiet blogging
and surfing.

Whatnot

It has certainly been a while since I wrote anything here. So to catch up.

Computer Issues

My laptop, the one I bought at Walmart and the experience causing me to forever swear off our local Walmart, has been on the fritz. The sound working one minute and not working the next. I sent it off to be repaired. It should be arriving home tomorrow. If I am ever home tomorrow.

Goliath

Our enormous baby has begun its 35th week week of gestation. They tell me. I am ready to meet this little one and going full bore in nesting mode. Uncomfortable, I have announced that perhaps early with C-Section won't be so bad as the increased days of discomfort will semi-even out. Chris laughs at my reasoning, but I think my efforts to get and remain comfortable last night may make him see the light. I have an appointment tomorrow where I will measure 36 weeks along.

Girl and Dog

The dog and Abigail have agreed to conflict. I truly believe it is a vast conspiracy to make me crazy. (Chris laughs at this too, questioning the vastness of said conspiracy, but I maintain that for the majority of the day, I who want peace am outnumbered by those creating choas that it is vast.) She will antagonize the dog when he want peace to the point of snapping. He will torment her to the point of pushing, shoving, and screaming.

• The dog was 19 pounds when we bought him at the end of January. He is 40 pounds now.Abigail must be 40 pounds before she can move to a backless booster. She has been 28 pounds for a year ish. Can I harness her to the seat and put him in a booster?
• A twenty-eight pound two legged girl cannot push around a 40 pound four legged dog unless he allows her to. He often allows it only to exact revenge when she is not closely guarded by her mother.
• A puppy knows exactly which toys to go after to cause the loudest, longest scream from a three year old girl. I think he laughs. Sometimes it makes me pray for a sister. I know what brothers can do. and how similarily the dog and brothers behave.

The Dog

George, the dog, is attending puppy training classes. He is bigger than all the other puppies. The trainer says not to worry, there are other bigger dogs in the class. I am not sure they will ever catch up. Chris wants to write a comedy sketch about the class members. Have I known him too long if I can pick out the main characters in the sketch?

The Girl

Abigail is Abigail. She can't wait to wear flippers (flip-flops). I wonder if it was a mistake to buy her a pair already. She is funny and kind and obedient to other people. I can't figure out if my hormones make be inconsistent or if it is part of that vast conspiracy. I bought Have a New Kid by Friday and am trying it out on her. It seems to be working if I get enough sleep. (See above comment on Goliath.)

Nesting calls.

• Put away groceries (I got the perishables before taking the dog to the vet.)
• Teach George something.
• Teach Abigail something. (I hope it isn't leave the dog in peace.)
• Balance the checkbook.
• Take the closet door down.
• Sort Abigail's clothes to prepare for spring/summer 2009.
• Cease with this post