Water

From June 15 09

We don't have a beach.
We do have a few rivers.
Some of them are wade-able.

I'm grateful.

A New Way

To-Do
Vacuum Bedrooms
Clean Bathrooms
Pick up/Organize Playroom
Clean Laundry Room

Each week I sit down and look at the week. I put in my weekly calendar all the events we have as a family and everything the children and I are going to do

groceries,
story time,
play date.

Then I look at the list of chores done per week and put them in the schedule. Next I look at the chores that need to be done monthly, yearly and put them in.

There then in writing I have my life laid out. Blue pen defining my tasks for the week. The scratched out tasks give my days value. Define success.

But what of the days when nothing gets scratched off. Or the weeks when not much gets scratched off. Familiar voices return. Condemning. Mean. Guilt inducing.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today I read. Samuel told Saul, Send your servant ahead. Stand here to hear the Word from the Lord.

Stand still. Let the others keep going. Wait to hear from the Lord.

What if I stopped trying to keep up with those around me? What if I waited? What would the Lord say?

Scrap the To-Dos. Work diligently. Create an Already Done list.

Already Done Today
Cleaned Bathrooms
Play date, wading at Ohiopyle
Made breakfast and dinner
Cleaned the kitchen
Two loads of laundry
Read to Abigail
Talked to Simon
Researched homeschooling
Posted. . .

And the joy returned. Without blue ink defining my success or failure. Blue ink becoming a tool, a journal, a list of successes. The joy returned with a sick girl and a boy off schedule.

The joy returned.

God Whispers

That is what I call them. Those little gifts given throughout the day that remind me that He is there and that He loves me. If I listen closely, I can hear Him say "I love you" in the sunset.

Lord, Thank you for these three precious gifts. So much has changed since this picture. We are accustomed to one another now. We have had our moments when we had to love to obey you. When the feeling followed the actions. We have become increasingly more a family. A new week stands before my family. Bless us. Draw us ever nearer to you. Let us increase in love for one another and for you. Use us as a light here where you have placed us. And, Lord, I pray for myself. Move in me making me the wife, mother, daughter, sister, woman you dream. Amen

I Write

What am I doing here? Why am I blogging? Is this thing really a call?

I'm going to be a writer when I grow up. I remember sitting with my uncle as a 12 year old girl declaring my own future. I wrote then, fiction. Rereading 12 year old girl fiction makes me smile gently at my younger self. The fiction is bad.

The direction changed with high school sciences. I would be a missionary doctor. Far from the heart cry of this person, but science was interesting. Science was serious business. Science was the field smart people went into otherwise their intelligence was wasted. Or that was the message I received. I so wanted to be smart like that.

But I wasn't. I'm not. I married someone smart like that who has a heart like that. The world I see is different than his. I am designed differently. I ask heart questions. I stew in words, nothing is quite real until it has words. Named the question, the fear, the work. Given words to the answers. I am driven to give words. I journal.

If I were a writer, I would be an essayist, a memoirist. My life isn't making headlines so blogging is my memoir.

Weddings

Today my friend got married. We went to her wedding, all four of us.

The bride was so excited! She was giddy. It was wonderful to see, someone so in love that the gravity of the ceremony couldn't hold her joy.

Their vows and "I do"s filled the sanctuary said with such confidence and promise. This covenant they were entering with their Lord solidified before a church filled with family and friends.

Ephesians 5 was read.
Ephesians 5 was commented upon.
Ephesians 5 was in the foundation of their vows:

Promises to lead, to follow, to care, to respect, to submit.

Promises to live the mystery of Christ and the Church.

And now as I write, I wonder if maybe, just maybe, my friend's giddiness, the uncontrollable joy found in the love of this man to whom she was committing her life, isn't what Christ wants from His church.

Joy irrepressible by the solemnity of the circumstances.
Joy sending excitement to those witnessing the love story.
Joy that is contagious.

And I find that I must pray. Not that my joy will ever look like her's. We are very different each created in the image of God for the glory of God. No, my joy will not look like my friend's joy, but my joy should not be hidden, masked by the seriousness of the circumstances. My joy instead should lift the circumstances. My joy is found not in the solemnity of occasions, but in the love of a Savior.

May my joy be made complete.

Nine Weeks

healthy boy growing strong

23 inches long
11 pounds, 2 ounces

fat wrinkles

big toothless smiles
mute talking


feet in constant motion
fingers grasping


eyes searching familiar faces

Things Said

She talks and she talks and when you think she is done talking you find yourself wrong, very wrong. She has an introverted mother, one who loves talking with others, who enjoys a good conversation, one who needs quiet retreat to recharge and continue enjoying others.

These are some of my favorite conversations.

A coyote died at my parents. Abigail was concerned with coyotes, obsessed would be more descriptive. On the way home, she started asking about coyotes. Asking and asking and asking. About half an hour in we were tired of talking about coyotes. It was late and we wanted to talk to one another and we didn't want a cranky tired Abigail after church. We tried to convince her to just be quiet and rest to no avail.

In desperation, I said,
Abigail lets talk about something else.
She responded,
No, wet's talk about coyotes. Wet's just enjoy coyotes.

We went to small group one Friday night. Our friends have a farm, we went and stayed and the children played. We had a wonderful time. Simon had been born so I wasn't sleeping all night. We got in the car and the talking began. It was well after bedtime.
Tired I suggested that she close her eyes. I've suggested that she stop talking before and it doesn't work.

She responded,
I want to talk.

The Had to Be Done

Buying a Swimsuit Having Given Birth Eight Weeks Ago

I probably don't have to say anymore than that, but I will.

We bought one of those hard plastic kiddy pools after searching through all the stores in Uniontown. Today we opened the pool. Abigail loved it. She would have loved it more had I been getting as wet as she did. I would have loved it more if I had been getting as wet as she did.

(I miss the beach. When I was a child landlocked was a way of life, I wanted to go to the beach. Having spent time living near the beach, I miss the beach.)

Anyway, while she played, I admired Abigail's new suit. It is shorts and a tee-shirt. It is rated at 50 SPF. No messing around here.

My Musings:

Why don't I get the choice of such a suit? I need such a suit if I am to be swimming in a kiddy pool in our yard. I have a perfectly good suit. But if I could find better bottoms for the suit that would be good--swim shorts or a skirt--something I don't feel like parts of me are going to fall out of.

So we were off to the mall tonight. Somehow I thought we could make it to Lowes too. That was a mistake I realized at the very first store.

I was feeling pretty good about life after baby. I am exercising regularly. I watch what I eat and replace desert with a green smoothie consisting of spinach, fruit, and milk. (It is better than it sounds.) My weight now is less than it was three years ago and I was six months from birth then. Trying on the top to my bathing suit, the one I thought I would only need bottoms for to be prepared for summer, should have warned me.

I had to take my clothes off in front of a mirror under department store lights! We don't have a full length mirror in our house. And even if we did I don't stare at myself clad only in my underwear. Oh the sight!

Then I had to try on those suits I had picked. Tops that never made it over my breasts. Bottoms that I knew were going to be bad when they hit my knees! And that is only the problems because my size and the suit's size wasn't meant to be. Did I mention that I weigh less now than three years ago?!

Never mind the cleavage issues. The instant I would picked Abigail up because she was frightened of the water, a breast would fall out of the suit. And now that there is a baby who is still learning to use his hands, I would spend the entire time wearing the suit putting my breasts into their rightful spots. Doesn't sound like a day at the beach.

It took two stores and grace to find the suit I have. (I found it putting away the ones that I rejected.) Except that I have a husband who reminds me that he believes me beautiful, I might have cried. That and a God who will whispers grace to my heart, who reminds me to be grateful for the children I have, and the body that is strong, and healthy to bear and care for those childen.

Oh, yes, it was torture--slings and arrows, my visiting friends--insecurity, unworthiness, inadequacy. But I have a suit and tomorrow we will play in the pool and when we go to a public pool I will remind myself of the beauty that walks before me (or rides in the car seat,) and I will be thankful.