The Answer Is Worship

I was reminded today by a lady's testimony that the answer is worship. I make things so very difficult. I am a feeler, I'm not sure that is a real word, but I remain a feeler. There is such a connection between the heart and mind and faith. I have a very emotive faith; it originates in my heart. I struggle with apologetics. My sweetheart is not a feeler. His faith originates in his head. He loves apologetics. Some days I wish I had his kind of faith--I could just tell my heart what was what, and it would listen. Of course, one day I told him that and he was dumbfounded; it is easier for me to have relationship. When I think about things like this I am reminded that indeed we are created for a purpose no one else can fill. Chris and I are indeed meant for one another.
What a prologue to my intended post! Yesterday's post was where I was feeling and the way I feel about things so often controls my days. I know facts about the Lord, about the world, about myself but what I feel about those things dictates how I relate to those facts. And, my heart is stubborn, no amount of speaking truth from my mind can change the way my heart feels and therefore how I relate to everything around me. (To everyone close to me: I am sorry for this is true also of my relationships with you and every other person on this planet.)
So today, I begin discouraged. Not as discouraged as yesterday, but discouraged nonetheless. And I go to Friday Morning Ladies' Bible Study where my friend gave her testimony. She played the piano for us as her worship for what the Lord has done for her. And, though I can NOT sing, I let my heart sing the songs she played. And I was encouraged, the cloud around my stubborn heart lifted.
No amount of truth was going to change my heart because the way I relate to the truth starts in my heart. But to allow my heart to respond with Holy, Holy, Holy Just As I Am paved the way for God to speak his heart to my heart in the midst of discouragement. The answer is worship.

How Much Trust

I feel so overwhelmed sitting here before a blank screen. What do I have to say that is worth another's time in reading. Everything seems such a jumble in my heart and I can't find the words to make what I am feeling go away or even seem manageable.
As Abigail is eating her breakfast and playing in her milk (I am trying a cup without a lid. I read somewhere that sippy cups cause dental problems. So I thought I should start letting her get her liquids without the luxury of a sippy cup. Looking back, I was wrong. Give me a lid any day!), I am thinking about more children in our family. Those of you close to us know having that children coming from my womb is quite nearly impossible. Abigail is one of four pregnancies.
We have decided to adopt, and I am so excited! But I feel so thwarted. Initially we thought about adopting from foster care, but I felt like that door was closed when I was told becoming foster parents is our best bet as most children are adopted by their foster families or by relatives. Fostering feels so much like a miscarriage. And my heart is so scared of losing more children.
Then we looked at international adoption and found Haiti and lots of darling children. And I started to get excited. Actually, I became obsessed. Emailing a contact at an orphanage, getting involved with a couple Yahoo! Groups, and reading a very informative book, reading blogs. I thought this could happen quickly. We could get the US paperwork done by our birthdays and send it in right after that and have a child within months. But I've learned that having another child within months doesn't mean he or she will be with us. Apparently the passport/visa business can take a looong time. And we have counted the cost, literally, and I feel like it is going to take us forever to get the finances needed to adopt, even if we don't use an agency.
I am so discouraged. I keep saying that if this is God's plan for us he will provide all the resources we need to make it happen. Notice the way I leave out "in His time." And "in His way." And I realize that I don't trust God's heart toward my dreams. Knowing again that we will have to wait, this frenzy of activity on my part will not net a child at the end a some indeterminate number of months, feels again like a miscarriage. And my heart goes back to that place of grief, and pain, and fear, and mistrust. That place where I feel about God things that are out of His character and categorically untrue. That place where I feel about myself things that are untrue. I am not convinced so categorically untrue: I would be a bad mom, I'm not important enough to warrant action on the part of my dreams. It is easier for me to believe negative things about myself than to just walk through the feelings in grace, trusting that God is who He says He is even when I feel differently. I prefer to believe that I am unworthy of His notice, care and provision, than to consider or walk with Him through the times when I feel like He is a bully, inflicting pain just because He can. Again, I know this isn't true, but I feel at times that it is.
Chris said, last night, that perhaps God is preparing me for another child . I hate when he can do that, speak truth when I don't want to hear it. I hate thinking that I am not ready for another child. And I hate not knowing how long the preparation process will take. Why do I have to get ready? I can give a list if I want to self-evaluate (I don't). Perhaps in a later post.
On a lighter note, Abigail finished breakfast and as I was picking milky oatmeal from her hair and wiping puddles of milk off the floor, I decided that sippy cups are a very good thing and we will continue using them for an indeterminate amount of time.

Abigail Changes

Probably a more appropriate post at birthday time, but I can't wait till her birthday to share. And by then a post won't be big enough to share everything.

It is amazing to think that only 17 months ago, Abigail was entirely dependent and completely helpless. Today she is strong, mobile, and determined to be independent. Allow me to list her abilities.

• Climbing on all chairs in the house, especially the computer chair
• Playing with the mouse and attempting to type
• Flinging food from one end of the dining room to another
• "Wiping" up the flung food with a napkin
• Taking clean dishes out of the dishwasher and stacking them for Mommy to put away
• Emptying a basket of toys and still finding Mommy the most fascinating toy
• Chasing the cat, waiting for the day she can scale the couch
• Playing peek-a-boo--she must be in control
• Coloring pictures
• Going down the slide as fast as possible
• Riding the merry-go-round
• Jumping on the bed
• Making mischief--playing games
• Being willful (that is her father's word; I use naughty)
• Talking--it seems she woke up one day and decided to learn words
• Becoming proficient at "No"
• Throwing tantrums
• Dancing
• Making animal noises
• Playing in the sand box
• Running
• Taking off shoes and socks, only in the van right before we need to get out
• Feeding her sand toy to the dog
• Feeding anything, grass, straw, sand, dirt, to the dog
• Holding hands
• Taking off her coat
• Speaking volumes in a look
• Turning on and off the TV with remote or on-TV controls
• Giving hugs (saved the best for last)

I am positive that I have forgotten many other things she can or has done. She is working on putting on her shoes and pants, and, of course, getting on the couch.

She is an amazing gift and though I struggle to remember that when the days are dragging on when I look back over the last year and a half (which went like a flash) I am reminded. I am so privileged to be allowed to raise her.

Sharing

I want to introduce you to a new word: bloitering. I recently learned this word myself and have to admit that I find myself guilty of this act. Bloitering is when one visits a blog and leaves no trace of their visit. I like to know who is visiting and what you are thinking.

I hope that this becomes a gift for Abigail, too. When I forget the pains of childbirth in the joy of her adulthood, she will I hope be able to see that she is not alone in the struggles that come with adulthood, and that joy does come in the morning.

So please, set us see God's work in your life too. Let us encourage one another. Or just laugh.

P.S. I found this beautiful picture on Bringing Good Home. Well, really Deanne sent me there for a picture. See crazying blogging nut.

Colossal Clutter Clean-up

So I have become a crazy blog nut. At first I was just posting this one. Then I found out my friend in CA had a blog and I began visiting that often. She has a nifty list of other blogs on her site and I got interested in some of them. Specifically one titled Bringing Good Home. From there I found a couple, but one I am focusing on right now: A Clean Heart.
I became intrigued with this idea that the outside is a reflection of the inside. I knew it was true, the Bible says so, but had never really thought about what my outside was saying about my heart. When I had to dig through a pile of stuff on my desk to get my Bible and journal, and had to crane my neck to see the computer screen, and growled because of the crunchy three day old rice on the floor under Abigail's highchair, I decided it might be time for some evaluation. And being a teacher, I know that the only good that an evaluation serves is to show where improvement has been made (not yet) or where it needs to be made.
So I begin this journey the Colossal Clutter Clean-up which can be found at A Clean Heart. There is a free download to help with the devotions and the de-cluttering. Free things are so exciting. I printed it all off and had it bound at Staples. In total I paid $3.18 for all the materials. Yipee!