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Chewy
Is not usually associated with angel food cake.
Unless it is made by me for a dinner we were invited to.
But
with enough vanilla sauce and strawberries neighbors don't mind chewy.

Or they were being gracious, oh, no. . .

Goodness

Today I was fretting. I had said something harsh to my friend via the internet and had to apologize and I was anxious to do something for her. I felt discouraged in my efforts to become involved in the neighborhood and was wondering if the boundaries we set for the kids of the area were unwise. I was wondering what my place in this new church was supposed to be. And I was concerned about my blogging, but more from a "Why do other people have more visitors than me?" way than "Is this how I should be spending my time?" way.

By the time I was able to get with the Lord, I was frazzled. My petitions for said friend (who by this time I had apologized to, been emailed from, and left a message for) were "Dear God, M." I tried a nap only to have "You're such a loser." run through my thoughts. I still can't tell if it was a message from my brain to my heart or my heart to my spirit, but that is of little consequence. The suggestion is laughable, not that I am all that great, but that God would create and save such a thing as a loser. More a statement of His providence, grace and love than my attributes.

Anyway, I get distracted. So I was able to pray and sit on the porch and journal. Left with a list of Things I Could Do to Be Involved in the World I could only pray some more for leading and for wisdom and for passion.

And again as I write this I condemn myself. Do you see it? "I could only pray." As if communing with the Creator of the Universe, petitioning He who created me direction and He who loves each of us for the lives of my friends, neighbors and families is an only. No, today those prayers were the task He had set for me. His very purpose.

Do I know if He would do whatever He was going to anyway? Does it matter? Prayer is an invitation not only to develop intimacy with the Almighty, but to join with Him to impact the lives of His dearly loved. Prayer reminds me that I am not God but that I am loved and valued by God. It is a powerful force not to undermined with onlys or any other word used to mean, "Well, I've done everything I could I guess I better pray."

Today in His goodness, God showed me that prayer even when it can only be expressed in "Dear God"s is a mighty weapon and a divine call to battle. After my quiet time, I had two emails. One from my dear friend whose questions and concerns weighing so heavily were lifted and answered throughout the day. The other email from a different friend encouraging me in a way only my God knew I needed encouraged.

Oh may I not forget this lesson. May I use this time of inactivity, for great spiritual war.

Panties

Today I folded some of last week's laundry particularly the underwear load. I hate folding the underwear load, matching socks and folding garments better suited to wadding. I procrastinate, but the pile had taken up residence on my freezer and I figured the bottom layers were pretty close to molding. (Clothing stored on the top of a deep freezer cause the deep freeze to condense water under the clothes. I did not know this till I started using the deep freezer to store clothes I didn't want to fold.)

So I folded and I folded and in my folding, I found some things quite disturbing--little girl panties. Garments made especially for little girl bellies and bottoms. Decorated in pastels with pictures of Tinker Bell, or flowers, or smiling animals on them. All sorts of little underwear so small as to be unfold-able littered my pile of laundry. Signifying only one thing. Abigail is not my baby anymore.

While not wholly potty trained, we are at the going into public with panties stage. She has earned "Doc" who hung on the wall for weeks waiting for this moment though I balk at giving the gift. Playing with "Doc," the old race car from Cars, reminds me that she is growing. That the years I have been given with her have been shortened. Gone are diaper changes and bottles. Gone are the years of complete dependence.

And isn't that what I want. Abigail to daily grow into the person God intends, graduating moment by moment from dependence on her parents to dependence on her God. With tears my heart cries Yes. And I pray that I may keep those tears of mourning the babyhood lost hidden in the pile of little girl panties and rejoice over the little girl triumphs of faith and growing.

Dead

Accurately describes three cucumbers and one melon plant upon our return to Uniontown from vacation.
Cause of said condition--too much rain accompanied by too little sun resulting in too little warmth.

I do have more to say and pictures to post from vacation, but those things have to come after I have quiet time and remove the contents of our van from the foyer to their rightful homes.

Making the Most

Therefore, be careful how you walk,
not as unwise but as wise,
making the most of your time,
because the days are evil.
Ephesians 5:15-16

Big Plans

Southwestern Pennsylvania

Our community has an organization GACCA. The purpose is to create a place where people want to live, rid the area of slumlords, fix the dilapidated houses, beautify and restore. I like that about our neighborhood. That makes me want to stay when I get tired of the hardness of living here. Our families would like to see us move and maybe we will, but I like the adventure of fix-er-uppers. After all, isn't that what I am, one marred by sin, bought by the blood of Christ, and being perfected as I journey with Him.

Anyway, the community organization has a board and a board president. They recently hired a person to be a sort of government, organization, citizen liaison. Incidentally I semi-applied for the job, but found that there was too much travel and an office outside my home. We have monthly meetings throughout the year except winter and part of spring. When the majority of concerned citizens are senior, winter poses a problem.

I went to the first 2008 meeting and I enjoyed it. I want to keep going but child-care may prove a problem. I signed up for a committee but haven't heard anything and that makes me wonder if the board really wants help or if they want to sound like they are totally swamped while maintaining all the control. That is me being nit-picky, I know. I must remember that I may do the same thing and at times need to be reminded that I am not superwoman. Perhaps gently chiding.

There have been plans laid for the summer. A car show today. A community trash pick-up next Saturday. Demolitions and ground-breaking. I have things I want to research and to promote--play days and community gardens and a park and a way for the older people to be part of the action. See all sorts of excitement--right where God wants us.

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Pocketed

Fill 'er Up

You have asked how Abigail is doing after our canceled trip and while a simple, "She is fully recovered." would suffice, I must tell you about our weekend.

Every time we thought she was better, we had only wait a few hours and a blazing fever would return. We thought she was well enough for a trip to West Virginia. Chris and I would see a movie after dinner with my parents and they would take Abigail to their house. We would catch up after the movie. At the resturant, Abigail started feeling sick again and so I had my fish around a sick toddler trying to find a comfortable spot.

Mom said she wasn't worried so they took Abigail and we were able to see a movie. In a movie theater! By the time we got to their house, though, Abigail's fever had spiked to 103.7. On Saturday, the fever hung around for the better part of the morning, but by the time we were ready to leave, Abigail was fever free and chipper. Well, as chipper as a constipated toddler can be. We were all suffering from IBS.

We got home in time to be comfortable when the calls came from Michigan. Our friend in charge of the Amazing*Race 2 was kind enough to find a way for us to participate even though we couldn't make the trip. We took the four calls listening to hymns re-written by Chris which caused me to request my Mother's Day dinner that night instead of waiting till lunch on Sunday. We went out to eat and then took a walk up to the "melton" (fountain) where Abigail was too tired to do more than look at it.

By the time we got back to the house, her fever was returning as she was going to bed. Her fever spiked again but she slept in her bed. It was low grade Sunday morning so we stayed in bed instead of going to church. Right before putting our shoes on for a trip to the urgent care facility, her temperature went down to normal (the first time since Wednesday), the constipation ended, and we went to the grocery store for food for dinner.

Chris had invited a family headed by a coworker to dinner Sunday when we knew we were going to be staying in town. They came for dinner, and for the first time in a really long time it felt like home.

Once my heart stopped wallowing in disappointment and looked at the Lord I was able to see the gift He had prepared in this weekend. And I was able to see that perhaps I wasn't ready to visit Michigan yet. I was waiting for the visit to fill up my loneliness and boredom to affirm that Uniontown really is, well, Uniontown. We would have had a wonderful time, but the good-bye would have left me longing for what I don't yet have and would have put walls of expectation and comparison up between what was and what is.

No, I needed to be here. I needed a date with Chris. I needed a family we could feel utterly comfortable with. I needed God's assurance that He knows our needs, that He has a plan and a purpose for our lives here, and that this is where He wants us. I needed to wait till I was filled with Him before we could visit our friends. And, oh, am I ever looking forward to spending Memorial Day weekend in Michigan not out of the desperation I was feeling last weekend but out of the joy of a heart filled with the promises and assurances of the God of the universe and rejoicing in the friendships He has gifted us with in every place we have lived.

Eight

We turn eight years old today, Chris and I.

Eight years ago we were declared one flesh. The two shall become one. What God has joined together let no man tear asunder.

There is something in the declarations of God that brings my feet to journey. Just as He declares me holy, or declares me a citizen of heaven, or declares me free, His declaration is the start of a journey to holiness and citizenship and freedom. It is a fact being worked out in my life. It is a promise I can come to when I fail seeming to prove myself far less than holy, a citizen of Hell, or a slave to sin.

And so it is with God's declaration of one-ness between a man and a woman. It is at one time a statement of fact, a promise yet to see complete fulfillment, and the beginning of a journey. Praise be to God that He sees the fulfillment before the promise is made.

Chris and I journey together. I am so glad that he is my husband. That God chose Him to declare my one-ness with. With the excitement of knowing the fun we have had and the trepidation of knowing the sorrow over our years, I am looking forward with anticipation and joy to the next years on this journey.

Happy Anniversary

I love you.

Education

Mixed Media Monday

Homeschooling the Early Years by Linda Dobson--I haven't finished it yet, but it does provide loads of information about homeschooling which I haven't decided on yet either.

College a Cruel Hoax for Some and Intelligence, Education, and Meritocracy by Rod Dreher--interesting thoughts on education in the No Child Left Behind America.

Akeelah and the Bee--a really enjoyable movie about rising above one's circumstances. We liked it.

Not much today, but Abigail has been sick and I am tired.

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Just So You Can Understand

Officially Canceled

I am bummed. Completely. Totally. Bummed.

We were planning a surprise trip to Michigan this weekend to participate in the Amazing Race 2. We were secret judges. I was looking forward to this trip. Waiting anxiously. Missing my friends.

Then it happened. . . Abigail got sick. And she stayed sick. Just a fever but it hasn't broken and as much as I wanted to go and tried to put off pulling the plug and willing her to get better, she is still hot, very hot.

So while I went to Wal*Mart for more fever reducer, Chris called and canceled the trip. And now I am bummed. And if you think I am bummed, just wait till tomorrow morning when Abigail finds out she is too sick to go to "Misigan" to see her "fwiends." She announced today that she was "All better. Not sick. Go Misigan."

Stinky old viruses.

Bits of Randomness

Today was our fire inspection. We passed. I am aggravated by the need for a fire inspection when the checklist clearly states that the social worker completes it and if there is a question about the safety of the home orders the fire inspection. Instead we had to have the fire chief come to walk through our house and circle Yes, No, or N/A. An utter waste of his time. He was a nice man, though.

I can't get stains out of Abigail's clothes. She and her friend played in sand. I washed her shirt five times using a variety of stain removal products and there is still the hint of sand in the shirt. Her friend's mom washed her daughter's shirt once with detergent and the dirt is all gone. A dress, first time worn, new, retains the dirt and possible fudge coating of an ice cream bar. I hang the clothes to dry in our basement so at least there is no dryer heat to set them before I catch them. Last night, I attempted to salvage a dress and shirt by soaking. We'll see. Any ideas?

I was scammed by a long distance carrier who switched our service for 12 days. I was angry. For once I didn't do the "nice" thing and give in, but insisted on what was right. I used words like immoral and unethical and fix this or I will contact the Better Business Bureau. It worked and instead of paying them the $6 I was willing to pay, we have to pay them nothing. As long as they actually pay our phone company. I am keeping their information because I don't trust them at all.

Deanne asked about the friendships I am forming with the family from the play date. That is going well. We have kept meeting and invited another lady and her three kids into the mix. We haven't met the last two weeks because 1) sick kids and 2) fire inspections. Another lady at church asked me if I might be interested in a Friday park day with her and some of her neighbors. We are excited to see how that goes.

Noelle asked for some clarification about out meeting on the 19th and what a longer while meant. The home study should be complete and approved. If Michigan will correct Chris's incorrect criminal background check and will send us our child abuse clearances. If we can get to Pittsburgh and prove that the internet courses have taught us CPR. The FBI clearances take 4-6 weeks so the receipt of fingerprint transmission is enough to get the home study approved. After that we wait. Until an expectant mother picks us we will wait. And once she chooses us, we will wait till the baby is born and placed with us. And after the baby is placed with us, we will wait till all the post-placement visits are complete and the courts finalize the adoption. Lots of waiting await us.

I Need

We had to get the infant car seat out and installed for a car seat check. One of the new requirements for the adoption stuff. Abigail has been fascinated with this new seat in "her" car. Claiming she needs to sit in the seat and the reminders that the seat is for itty-bitty babies and she is too big keeps the adoption fresh in her mind too.

A conversation had in the van.

Abigail: Odder car seat. For iddy biddy.
Daddy: Yes that is for little babies.
Abigail: My brudder and my sisser.
Daddy: Yes for your brother or your sister.

Pause for adult conversation about getting a car seat for the car so we won't keep driving the van everywhere.

Me: Do you want to stop by Target and see if they have any seats that will convert to boosters?
Chris: Not tonight. Is that OK?

Abigail: Go Target!
Me: No not tonight.
Abigail: Go Target. My brudder and my sisser.
Daddy: No we can't get you brother or sister from Target.
Abigail: I need my brudder and my sisser.
Me: We don't get babies from Target.
Abigail: Go Target. My brudder and my sisser.

Me: Wait. We're getting a brother or a sister, not both.
Abigail: Yes, I sink so. Go Target. My brudder and my sisser.
Daddy: Abigail, God gives us brothers and sisters.
Abigail: In a little while.
Me: No, probably in a longer while.
Abigail: No, in a little while.
Me: We have to wait till God gives us a brother or sister. It will not happen before He wants it to or after He wants it to.

So at least she is excited. Everything is in place to be finished by the 19th so long as Michigan turns around the background checks as quickly as they say they will.

A Little of Everything

Mixed Media Monday

The Empty Pot by Demi is about a little boy who presents the empty truth to the Emperor at the end of a challenge to grow the prettiest plant. We got it from the library because it was multi-cultural and we don't know from what culture our next child will come. I read it to Abigail daily because I think the message is important. Perhaps we will buy this one.

The New American Kitchen Garden by Shepherd Ogden is a non-fiction book about creating a beautiful and functional garden. I am intrigued though we don't own a place to try it out. I borrowed if from my mom, so I know where to get it when the time comes.

Container Gardens by Barbara Pleasant with Doreen Howard and Betty Mackey is another non-fiction book. Since the rototill-ed kitchen garden won't work for me this year, I can plant some things in containers. Full of all the information I need to use totes for raising tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers and whatever else I want. Another on lone from my mom.

There is a Higher Throne by Keith and Kristyn Getty They also wrote one of my favorites. I didn't know they had an album. I bought it and can listen to it over and over and over. I tried to find Across the Land my current favorite, but couldn't. Enjoy

Holding Me Together

And He is the image of the invisible God,
the first-born of all creation.
For by him all things were created,
both in the heavens and on the earth,
visible and invisible, whether
thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--
all things have been created by Him and for Him.
He is before all things, and
in Him all things hold together.
He is also head of the body, the church; and
He is the beginning,
the first-born of the dead; so that
He Himself might come to have first place in everything.
Colossians 1:15-18

Benefits

Southwestern Pennsylvania

I've been missing southwestern Michigan lately. Remembering playgroup on Wednesdays and the park on Tuesdays and the beach whenever we wanted it. Mostly my friends. We haven't been here long enough to have friendships like the ones we had in Michigan. I am sure it is coming. But I had forgotten the road of awkwardness and second-guessing and strangeness friendship takes before it is really good. I mean the does-this-make-me-look-fat shopping honesty friendships.

I don't want to marinate in this funk so I must remember the benefits of this move. Abigail gets to see life at all of its stages.

Puppies
with their eyes closed, and mamas feeding their puppies.

Chicks just hatched and chickens ready for dinner.

Fish

in the water, on the line, and without heads.

Those things may not sound all that important, but I don't know a time in my childhood when these weren't the realities. Because we moved, Abigail can have that same experience. Where the natural world is gently used with appreciation and grace without abuse, neglect, or worship.

Picture This

Imagine
The Train of His Robe
If This Is What We See Now

In Him

So, I've been feeling a little unappreciated and perhaps a little overworked and a mite blahh. Yesterday, I read Ephesians 1 while trying to ignore Abigail's confined fury at not being able to get out of bed at 6:30 AM. I didn't get much from Ephesians 1 and just felt all the more blahhh.

Today, I got a gift. Abigail didn't start making noise till 7:15 and didn't want up till 7:30. I can handle that. I read Ephesians 1 again. And I was struck this morning as I tried to shake the blahhs by all the "In Him"s in Ephesians 1. When there wasn't an "In Him" there was a "In. . ., He."

I had to smile the tired I-wish-I-had-remembered-smile of a tired child of God trying to do too much by herself. I thought I was all screwed up on the who I was in Christ perspective. I thought I was all screwed up on the what I was to do (all those good worked prepared beforehand) in Christ perspective. But that wasn't it at all. I had forgotten the In Christ of the who I am and the what I do.

You see, I became convinced that my who was able to carry out my what, but that isn't the way it is to work. My who and my what are dependent on the "In Him"s. Without keeping that perspective, without breathing Him in, without feasting on His word and communing with Him my who withers away and isn't able to complete my what. I am who I am IN HIM. My work is given to me IN HIM. If I don't stay aware of that I am destined to doubt who I am and what I am to do.

I don't think it coincidence that I made this connection on the National Day of Prayer or that I picked up a "Mom" devotional about prayer without knowing it was about prayer. Perhaps my "In Him" struggles aren't tied up in how many verses I read but how many prayers I breathe.